Nonsense Generation

Girl: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and he lives in UK.We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now we've had 2 months of relationship through viber.I need ur blessings and good wishes daddy ..................

Dad said: Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your kids on e-bay, send them thru gmail. And if you are fed up with your husband .... sell him on amazon.

His clothes

A little boy opened up the big & old family's Bible. With fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible & he picked it up, and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mommy, look what I found!", the boy called out to his mother.

"What have you got there, my dear son?", his mother asked.

With sparkles in his eyes & astonishment in his voice, he answered his mother, "It's Adam's clothes!!!"

Exams Paper

SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. 

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" 

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." 
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. 

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" 

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the com
petition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. 

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Ph.D

hell and Ass

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bed room. The 7 year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say "Hell" and you say "ass." The 4 year old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, "Ah hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." 

"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4 year old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."

Where is my Rolex ?

Evening, On The Way to Home, He Meets An Accident With His New Ferrari. ..

 Policemen Arrives....

 Boy:- (Cried) Officer! My Brand New Car!

 Police Replied:- You're Such materialistic. You Even Haven't Notice That Your Left Arm Has Been Cut Off.

 Boy (He Looks At His Left Arm And Yells) : OMG ! My Rolex Watch..!

On That Day in CHEMISTRY CLASS

Professor: Chemical symbol of Barium?

 Boy: BA

 Professor: For sodium?

 Boy: NA

 Professor: What will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atoms of NA are combined?

 Boy: BANANA !!!

 Professor: ????????????

Who are the males and who are the female ?

One Day Morning, A Girl Send Message to Boy Friend.

Girl: Hi.. Good Morning
Boy: Hey.... Very Good Morning.. 
Girl : What are you doing ?
Boy : killing mosquitoes
Girl : how many did you killed ?
Boy : total 5 ( 3 female 2 male )
Girl : how did you know that ?
Boy : 3 sitting near mirror, 2 sitting near the beer.

Our pyayer answer

A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father,I have 2 female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing; ‘Hi, we are harlots. Want to have some fun?’” 

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “I have a solution to your problem.Bring your 2 female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my 2 male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His 2 male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her 2 female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we are harlots, want to have some fun?”

The male patriots answer "Our prayer is answered !"

When you are sober

As the doctor completed an examination of Ah Beng, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said Ah Beng, "I'll come back when you're sober"

Who did it ?

A man had a party where all the rich people attend. 

And the he had a pool with crocodiles. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes. 

But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and Ah Beng was swimming like a hell and came out alive. 

So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?" 

Ah Beng replied, "Give me the shotgun and bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."

Missing Person

Man: Inspector , my wife is missing
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim, can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of the eyes?
Man: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Man: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: Skirt/suit. I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her???
Man: Yes, my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, brown eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg. food, we eat together, we jog together... And the man started crying....
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!

Oral

Heard in court: 

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

How old is he ?

Heard in court:

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

I miss you so much

Husband was throwing knives on wife's photo.
All were missing the target!

Suddenly he received a call from her "hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply,

"MISSING u!"

Let me explain

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say""And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Tell the president

During the days of the Cold War, an American told his Russian friend. "America is democratic. I can go to the White House and tell President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running your country".

The Russian said, "I can also do the same."

The American was surprised. "You mean you can go to the Kremlin and say that to President Breshnev?"

The Russian replied, "I mean - I can also go to the White House and tell President Reagan I don't like the way he is running America".

They are girls or boys ?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Lawyers do ask silly questions in court!

I have forgotten

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget. 
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Is he alive ?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? 
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

I am fine now.

Ah Beng was not feeling well and phoned his boss to report sick. 

The boss said, "Beng, I need you in the office today. Whenever I don't feel well, I had sex with my wife and I feel better. Why do n't you try it.


Ah Beng called two hours later, "Boss, I will be in the office soon. I took your advice and am feeling better now." 

He continued, "By the way, you have a nice house".

Side of Road

Ah Beng approached someone - where is the other side of the road?
Reply - It's over there.
Ah Beng - I was there and another person said it's here.

S$ 200, please.

An young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. After sex the girl said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'am actually a hooker, and I charge $100 for what we just did."
The man retorted, "And I should have mentioned this before, but I'am actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $200."

Sent the bill to my brother in law

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly. Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

What is their name ?

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry ..'

All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry .'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry , also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry . Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ' Terry !' An' When it's time for dinner, I just yell ' Terry !' an' they all come running.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell ' Terry ' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Terry .'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'

My Husband cannot sleep

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his
sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him the opportunity to speak while he's awake!"

My car need Parking

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks
for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is
going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some
form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over
the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of
the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan. The bank's president and its officers all
enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000
Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were
away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother
to borrow $5,000?

The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect
it to be there safely when I return.'