How poor we are !

LESSONS FROM THE POOR:

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country, with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.On their return from their trip, the father asked his son:

'How was the trip?'

'It was great, Dad.'

'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked.

'Oh yeah,' said the son.

'So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?' asked the father.

His son answered:

'I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.'

The boy's father was left speechless.

Then his son added: 'Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are.'

Is that you axe ?

One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water.

God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?", God asked. The woodcutter said "No".

God again went down and came ...up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?" God asked.

The woodcutter said "No".

God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked.

The woodcutter said, "Yes".

God was so pleased with the man's honesty that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.

Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim."

God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?", God asked.

"Yes", he said.

God was furious, "YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you."

The woodcutter quickly said, "Please forgive me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said "No" to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say "Yes". Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that's why I had to say "Yes"..."

Only in the line

The end of the world has come. God looks over the millions and millions of people and says to them, "Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with St. Peter. Go now and follow him. And you men, I want you to form two lines. The first line, to the left of me, is for men who dominated their women on earth. The second line, to the right of me, is for men who were dominated by their women." OK, now line up.

There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.

He turns to the man and asks, "How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Where do you live ?

Police : Where do you live ?
Me : with my parents
Police : where does your parent live ?
Me : with me
Police : where do you all live ?
Me : Together
Police Where is your house ?
Me : Next to my neighbours house
Police : Where is your neighbour house ?
Me : If I tell you, you won't believe me
Police : Tell me
Me : Next to my house

He is outside

(Called mummy on the phone)

Me: Where little bro?

Mummy: He's outside lo~

Me: Huh!! So late already!! What's he doing outside?

Mummy: I dono. I think he's eating supper. You call and ask him lo..

...(Called little bro)

Me: Why so late haven go home!!

Bro: Huh? I'm home all day ah..

Me: Don lie!! Mummy say you're outside!!

Bro: No la.. I've been home all day..

Me: Then why mummy say you're outside?

Bro: How would I know?

(Called mummy)

Me: He say he's at home all day leh~!! What happened?

Mummy: Oh I'm in my bedroom ma. He's in the kitchen. So I said he's "outside" lo..

Me: -_-""""

2 rools left

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom.

She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

Opp ! S$ 500 a night ?

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”



The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ears: "I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

Sorry, wrong book

Before Exams :
Father : Son, go read your books.

Son : Sure, dad !



After Exams :

Father : How's the exam papers ?

Son : Dad, sorry, I guess I studied the wrong book.

Father : Which book did you studied?

Son : Facebook !

He doesn't like raw

Was chatting with my friend. She says that she will not be seeing her date anymore as he doesn't like sashimi.
What a shallow reason for cutting short a potential romance. So I asked her to elaborate.

She replied (with straight face too): "If he doesn't like raw fish, how can I expect good oral sex from him?"

God is busy

In a nursery school canteen, there was a basket of apple with a notice written over it.
'Do not take more then one, God is watching'

On the other counter there was a box of chocolates, a young child went and wrote on it..

'Take as many as you want, GOD is busy watching the apples' :D

Men

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make th...em laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

- Unknown

There was no radio

An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “Watt are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get out and wait for a camel.”

Weight Lost program

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.


The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic,

21 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a G-string and a pair of Nike running shoes

and a sign around her neck. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes... off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.


The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful,

sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes ,

a G-string and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.


So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs,

as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.


'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'


The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing

there wearing nothing but pink running shoes, a G-String and a sign around his neck that reads,


'If I catch you, you're mine.'

he lost 31kgs that week.

An Advertisement

One day, Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake.

The water was enticing & Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents & says : "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses & as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around & see Snow White standing NAKED. Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV advertisment; what product is being advertised???

Scroll down for the answer ...
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
? Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!!!
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
? The product being advertised is ...
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
? "SEVEN-UP"!!!

Say Grace

One day, a man's wife invited some of her husband's colleagues & boss over for dinner.

At the table, she turned to their 6-year-old daughter & said, "Sweetie, would you like to say grace & ask God to bless the food before everyone starts to eat?"

"But mommy, I wouldn't know what to say," their little daughter replied.

"Oh okay sweetie; just say what you hear mommy says," the man's wife instructed.

So, their little daughter bowed her head and said : "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people here for dinner ... &%$^#*^&%"!!!??!!!

You have changed

Wife : You changed after marriage.

Husband: Before we got married, I've told you before that I am not interested in married women.

You must know why .....

Judge : Why did you shoot your wife, instead of shooting her lover?

Defedant : Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

The Urinal is Gold

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the URINALS were made of GOLD!!!", the man said.

She said she did NOT believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello!", she said, "I just want to ask ONE question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar & I have ONE question ONLY; are your URINALS made or covered in GOLD???"

To which she heard the bartender saying this over the phone to another of his colleague, "Hey, Clarence! I think we found that guy who pissed in your SAXOPHONE!!! Cos his wife is on the phone with me NOW!!!"

So who is 'FISHING' now ?

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours & after a while; they're just laying there when the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house; she picks up the receiver & her lover looks over at her & listens; ONLY hearing her side of the conversation & she's speaking in a cheery voice tone.

"HELLO ... OH! Hi! I'm so GLAD that YOU called. Oh! REALLY??? That's WONDERFUL! I am so HAPPY for YOU! That sounds really TERRIFIC & GREAT! Thanks! Okay, bye-bye!!!", says the woman.

She hangs up the telephone & her lover asks, "Who was that???"

"OH!" she replies, "That was my husband telling me ALL about his WONDERFUL TIME that he is having on his FISHING TRIP with YOU!"

To rubbit The rabbit

A man goes down to a country side to become a farmer because it's his life long dreams. So, he buys a piece of land & goes down there.

Now all he needs are some animals. So, he goes into a store & asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says, "We do not call them ROOSTERS; we call them COCKS."

"Okay!", the man says. "I'll take a COCK & a RABBIT for the farm then."

"No! We pronounce it as RUBBIT," says the clerk.

"Okay, I'll take those TWO THINGS & a MULE to carry them home then", says the man.

"No! We do not call them MULES; we call them ASSES & every time when the ASS stops walking, just scratch behind his ears", says the clerk.

So, the man walks out of the store with his three animals that he just bought and as he's walking home; all of a sudden the MULE stops and co-incidentally a lady happens to be walking by.

So, the man sees the lady passing by & asks, "Hello Missy! Would you be so kind to help me please to hold my COCK & RUBBIT while I scratch my ASS???"

Do not erase this .......

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly rubbed & erased it and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, she rubbed & erased it again and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for one whole week, she went into the classroom & found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found these words :

"THE MORE YOU RUB IT, THE BIGGER IT GETS!"

What pepper ?

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper "Black pepper, or white pepper? " asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper! "

They Cheated !

One day, there was a swimming contest held with different strokes and the contestants were Mindy, Cindy & Sandy.

And the second race was the BREAST STROKE.

The Order of Finish was : Mindy came in first & Cindy came in second ... "BUT WAIT" where is Sandy???!!! OH MY GOSH!!! She is still swimming & racing!!!

When Sandy finally got to the finish line; she said angrily, "THEY CHEATED!!!"
The Judge said, "Like how did they cheated???"

 Then Sandy shouted & screamed, "THEY USED THEIR ARMS!!!"

Thanks for sending me this ......

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are simply the best!!!"

Just for laughs: 3 WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS A LITTLE SLOW

1. You receive emails with stamps on them.

2. You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later.

3. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

I poke holes

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the second nun asked.

"I threw them in the trash, of course."

"Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms."

"What did you do?" the first nun asked.

"I poked holes in them."

"Oh, crap," said the third nun.

I want to buy cat food

old lady:i want to buy cat's food
cashier: i need evidence cos others use it for own use n we don't allow human to eat cat's food...

so old lady went home to bring cat...

then second day she wanted to buy dog food and as usual,the cashier asked for the dog n she went home and bought the dog there...

then third day she became cleverer...she bought the item along to show the cashier for purchasing the item she wanted and then the cashier put her hands in to see n GUESSSSS

ITS SHIT!!and cashier was furious and said its a revenge but old lady said,'COS I WANTED TO BUY TOILET PAPER MAH!!"

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that.  My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

7 Lemons

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. 

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Program crushing !

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Regards,

Desperate

***

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 & Lingerie 5.3.

Good Luck!

Regards,

Tech Support

***

On Leave

Two blond guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.

Who is this guy ?

After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied.

He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man.

***He began to worry***

"This your husband?" he asked.

"No silly," she replied.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear.

"Well who is he then?"

Calmly the girl replied "That's me before the operation..."

What will I get?

Teacher : Sam, what will you get for 5485 + 6529 / 52 ?
Sam : Teacher, I will get a wrong answer.

Before and After marriage.

Before Marriage

Boy : At last, I can hardly wait !
Girl : Do you want to leave ?
Boy : No ! Don't even think of it !
Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Of course, always !
Girl : Have you ever cheated me ?
Boy : NO ! Why are you asking ?
Girl : will you want to kiss me ?
Boy : every chance I get.
Girl : Will you hit me ???
Boy : hell no !!! are you crazy ?
Girl : can I trust you ??
Boy : YES !
Girl : Darling !
 
After Marriage
 
Please read above from the bottom up.

Going to be three

A newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, there're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

15 Years Prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He later ties the girl to the bed, kisses the women on her neck and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Like what ?

Virginity is like balloon, 1 pop & it’s gone forever!

Sex is like Pringles, once you start you can’t stop!

The exam paper is like a dick, when it gets hard people get fucked!

Fate is like getting raped, if u can’t fight it so learn 2 enjoy it!

Work is like a group sex, 10 people are behind your ass to take your place!

Education is like hiring prostitute, it needs both your money & hard work!

Success is like masturbating, only your own hands can achieve it!