I asked for a 10 inch BIC

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke 
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter 
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter 
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" 
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." 
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

Getting wet

One fine day, little Joey went to the school infirmary and dramatically told the nurse there: "Better tell the doctor to excuse me from school. I think I am coming down with a serious bout of influenza ..... I was in the super market vegetable produce section, helping mum to choose veggies like cucumbers, carrots and egg plants when I noticed my panties getting wet with mucous fluids ..."

The school doctor immediately charged little Joey for "truant" and called in her parents!

Now you know why my academic achievements are soooo underwhelming and I have a allergic reaction to school!!!

From a facebook friend

Was told he would turn into stone

Have you heard of this cute little joke whereby a boy and his best buddy was mowing a lawn when they accidentally espied that their beautiful neighborhood vixen was sunbathing naked.

Upon witnessing this immaculate naked female flesh, the boy immediately started running away, with tears streaming from his eyes.

As he ran, he can be heard sobbing: "boo hoo hoo ... oh no! oh no! oh no! my mum did warn that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. Guess what? a part of me is already getting hard! boo hoo hoo!"

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... snigger snigger snigger! smile emoticon

From a facebook friend

Car breakdown

Location Location Location

I am a real estate salesman. At the start of my career, I learned that the three most important things to look for when you buy a property are location, location and location.

I like to share with you, another part of our life where location is important.

A long time ago, an Englishman left his country to work in a British colony in the Far East. His wife could not accompany him. A year later, she heard rumors that her husband was keeping another woman. 

She sent a letter to him. It arrived a month later. "My dear Michael, I received news that you are having an affair. Tell me if this is true and what does she have that I do not have?"
His reply reached the wife a month later. "Dear Sally, you must know that it has been quite lonely for me here. I want to confess that I am keeping another woman, but don't worry. She has what you got, no more. But ... she has it here.".

So, Mr. Tan, you can see how important location is, when it comes to a woman as well.

It's Your Problem

Jokes

1) A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”

2) A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’? Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.

3) Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.

4) A man in Hell asked Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife ? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

5) Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !

6) Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?

Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……

Come again

A candidate at a job interview was asked a tough question to which he mumbled an inaudible answer. The interviewer said "Come again?" The candidate got up, collected his file, went out of the room and came back again.

So you control ur wife?

In heaven God told all husbands & wives to gather for a meeting! 
He told the men to stand in two queues... 
Those who are controlled by their wives & those who control their wives! 
Only 1 man stood in d second Queue... 
God said "So you control ur wife?"
Man: "R u CRAZY ???
My wife told me to stand here

Where do I live ?

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through 
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” 

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

A teaher ask

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie...... always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Your prayer ?

A little Boy was about to eat a plate full of delicious meal for Dinner when his mom notice his urge to eat the food, she quickly ask him "have you said your prayer before eating that meal", The Boy replied "No I won't because I Don't want to give 10% of my Dinner"