Lie Detector

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school."

The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!"

The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!"

The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

Grandma Goes to Court

Defense Attorney: What is your age? 

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. 

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? 

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. 

Defense Attorney: Did you know him? 

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. 

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? 

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? 

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney: Why not? 

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago. 

Defense Attorney: What happened next? 

Little Old Woman: He began torub my breasts. 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? 

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him. 

Defense Attorney: Why not? 

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years. 

Defense! Attorney: What happened next? 

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man,Take me!" 

Defense Attorney: Did he take you? 

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool's!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WOMEN AND MEN!!!

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 items that she doesn’t want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.
11. Most often men start a conversation and women finish it.
12. There is no possibility of a woman admitting her mistake,however,the last man who admitted his mistake was the one who created women.
13. Women look great in hats whereas men look like ring masters in a circus show.
14. If you tell a woman you purchased a new car she will immediately ask you “what’s the color of the car..??..”..Tell the same thing to a man and he will ask you “what sort it is”.
15. Seek an explanation from a man on any topic under the sky and he will do that,at the most,in a sentence. And now ask a woman-”what’s the capital of your country?” you will get the reply in paragraphs.
16. If you are lost in a street and ask a woman to guide you somewhere,she will give you directions via shops..And if you ask a man,he will give you directions via pubs.

GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication,got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.. Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. 

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"