Sick Leave

Send your mother to me

Ring the bell

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

Remove you clothes when done

A man need to be descended to ground

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Shut up, please

What will happen if 2 trains clash

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

English Lesson

Ticket please

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

What's you past time activity ?

I ask a Monk a question recently .
Me : ... so Sir what is your favorite pastime ?
Monk : None !
I paused and didn't know what to reply . I thought he was saying "Nun"

3 to 5 years

Prime Minister walks into the President's Office and sees the president whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" Prime Minister inquired.
"Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

He painted a porch

Ah Beng, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

Beng said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."
A short time later, Ah Beng came to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," Ah Beng answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," Ah Beng added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Fellali."

I didn't recognize you!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

I want a raise

A maid wanted a salary raise:

Madam wanted 3 reasons why she wanted a raise

Maid: I can cook Better than you.

Madam: who told you that ?

Maid: your husband told Me?

Madam: Ok, second reason

Maid: I can iron Better than you.

Madam: who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told Me.

Madam: Ok, and the third reason

Maid: I am also Better in bed than you.

This time madam was furious & was getting ready to break her head.

Madam: Did my husband say that?

Maid: No the driver told me that I’m better in bed than you are.

Madam: Please lower your voice I will increase your salary…

A wise husband

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. 

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! ......"

Lie detector

Never Argue with chldren

Illegal parking

There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY trespassers will be baptized!

Selling Bibles

Three boys look for a summer job. Their preacher agrees to let them sell Bibles door to door, though he's hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffers from a speech impediment.

After the first week of work they all meet at the church. The preacher asks the boys, "How many Bibles did you sell?"

The first boy says, "35."
The second boy says, "75."
The boy with the speech impediment says, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."

The preacher is amazed and asks the boy how he did it.
The boy says, "I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them, or I'd r-r-read it to t-t-them."

Kelvin Khoo

Passenger "Excuse me stewardess. I want to ask you who is this guy Kevin Khoo. Even the captain is looking for him. This Kevin Khoo very busy guy ah. Why you all never help him?"

Crew *scratch head*

Passenger "Always announcement got mention him. Kevin Khoo arm the door. Kevin Khoo suspend service. Kevin Khoo take a seat. Kevin Khoo prepare for arrival. Kevin Khoo to your landing stations. Kevin Khoo disarm door. Wah... your friend is very busy leh!"

Crew *stunned* "Sir, I am Kevin Khoo. There are 14 more KEVIN KHOOs on this flight. By the way, it's cabin crew. Not Kevin Khoo!"

Passenger "Ooorrrhhh... your captain English not good la, make me confused. Eh - you not stewardess meh? How come you become cabin crew?"

April Fool

5.45am mobile phone ring....
Little son : mummy school bus left..
Me : Huh...how come so early?
Little son : I saw bus just gone without waiting for me..
Me : okok let me try calling bus uncle whether can u turn back ? If not I send you to school. 
Little son : Nvm lah mummy ... April fool!!! Hahahaha
Me : .......==

Some idiot answering my question

You are a grow up now

How long ?

Joe asked God, "how long is a 100 years to you". Reply: "A second"
Joe: "How much is a million dollars to you?" Reply: "a cent"
Joe: "Can you give me one cent?"
God says "Alright, just give me a second"

Who is smarter, teacher or student ?

Who is smarter, the teacher or the student?

TEACHER: Martha, go to the map and find North America. 
MARIA: Here it is. 
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? 
CLASS: Martha.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

____________________________________________

Who is smarter, teacher or student?

TEACHER: Bob, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
______________________________ 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. 
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A TEACHER!
__________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

Am I doing it right ?

Brochure from a hotel in Beijing.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always  tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to havebabies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed :
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage  of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

Crap

CONTRADICTING SERMON: HALLELUJAH!

A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried,"Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried,"Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, "We shall drink from that river."

I use yuor wife when you are not around

A man received a message from his neighbour on Valentine's Day:
"Sorry, sir, I am using your wife. I use everyday, day and night. I use when you are not at home. Infact, I actually use more than you. I confess now because I feel very much guilt. Hope you will forgive me and accept my sincere apology. Sorry hor."

The angry man than whacked his wife until she blue-black all over. 

A few minutes later he received another message: 《Sorry, sir, spelling mistake. I mean wifi, not wife.》

The maid want a raise !

Maid wanted a salary raise..!! 

Madam wanted 3 reasons why she
wanted a raise..!

Maid: I can cook Better than you..!
Madam: who told you that?

Maid: your husband told Me!

Madam: Ok, second reason?
Maid: I can iron Better than you..!

Madam: who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told Me..!

Madam: Ok, and the third reason?

Maid: I am also Better in bed than you!!!

This time madam was furious & was getting ready to break her head!

Madam: Did my husband say that?

Maid: No the driver told me that I'm better in bed than you are!!!

Madam: Please lower your voice I will increase your salary

The problem with being real drunk

Leave it with the maid

Test Paper

Answer my next guestion

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. 
One boy throws his bag out the window 
Teacher : who just threw that?! 
Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

The Government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. 

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." 

"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Johnny went off to bed. 

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. 

So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, 

"OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

Lie Detector

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school."

The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!"

The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!"

The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

Grandma Goes to Court

Defense Attorney: What is your age? 

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. 

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? 

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. 

Defense Attorney: Did you know him? 

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. 

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? 

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? 

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney: Why not? 

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago. 

Defense Attorney: What happened next? 

Little Old Woman: He began torub my breasts. 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? 

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him. 

Defense Attorney: Why not? 

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years. 

Defense! Attorney: What happened next? 

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man,Take me!" 

Defense Attorney: Did he take you? 

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool's!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WOMEN AND MEN!!!

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 items that she doesn’t want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.
11. Most often men start a conversation and women finish it.
12. There is no possibility of a woman admitting her mistake,however,the last man who admitted his mistake was the one who created women.
13. Women look great in hats whereas men look like ring masters in a circus show.
14. If you tell a woman you purchased a new car she will immediately ask you “what’s the color of the car..??..”..Tell the same thing to a man and he will ask you “what sort it is”.
15. Seek an explanation from a man on any topic under the sky and he will do that,at the most,in a sentence. And now ask a woman-”what’s the capital of your country?” you will get the reply in paragraphs.
16. If you are lost in a street and ask a woman to guide you somewhere,she will give you directions via shops..And if you ask a man,he will give you directions via pubs.

GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication,got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.. Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. 

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"