1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife....
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage."
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
No Firewall
A little boy goes to his father & asks : "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers : "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mother & I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother & we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said :
"YOU'VE GOT MALE!"
The father answers : "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mother & I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother & we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said :
"YOU'VE GOT MALE!"
Monday, November 28, 2011
WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting & fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper & give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves; it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your wife & your dog in the house for at least an hour or more. Then open it & see who's happy to see you."
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting & fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper & give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves; it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your wife & your dog in the house for at least an hour or more. Then open it & see who's happy to see you."
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Please receive my prayer
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'
Go right up !
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'. The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'. The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Worst than the worst !
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Can I marry?
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''
The young man again brought three more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same. So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''
His mother smiling said to him, ''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son. At least my mom & dad wasn't like the above...
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''
The young man again brought three more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same. So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''
His mother smiling said to him, ''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son. At least my mom & dad wasn't like the above...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Who is the father ?
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hop...ed for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
Cars in Heaven
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven.
So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.
The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.
Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"
So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.
The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.
Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"
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