75 years old

An elderly lady on a cruise ship was holding her hat tight so that it would not be blown away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, 
"Pardon me, madam....your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Speak English please !

Teacher : 你父亲叫什么名字?
Student : 蒋英宇
Teacher : What's your father's name?

I am pig ......

我说：“你是猪。”你说：“我是猪才怪！”从此我就叫你猪才怪。终于有一天，你忍不住当着众人的面对我吼道：“我不是猪才怪！”

Program Manager

Tech Support: "Ok Joe, let's press the control & escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." 

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Joe."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Joe."

Customer: "NO! I'm NOT going to do that!!!" 

PRINTER PROBLEM

A colleague got a pen stuck inside the office printer. He started to try & remove the pen. But I told him we don't have time for that now; just put a note on the printer telling people not to use it & then report it to the Help Desk. So, he grabbed a piece of paper & scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. 

About 20 minutes later; one of my technician comes in laughing & says he was just in the lobby and saw a piece of paper on a printer & went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to be ... 

Request a raise in salary

"I, Mr P.Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:


I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely Yours,

Mr P.Niss"



FROM THE RESPONSE ...



Dear Mr P.Niss,

After assessing your request & considering the arguments you have raised; the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task ... And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering & exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.


Sincerely Yours,

Ms V.Gina"

Hello, how are you?

A guy was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the next cubicle saying: "Hello, how are you?"


The guy was a little stun as he's not the type who would start a conversation in the restroom but he does not know what got into him suddenly; so he answered & was somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So, what are you up to?"

Now what kind of question is that? At that point, the guy is thinking that this is all too bizarre so he says : "Uhhh ... I'm like you who is just traveling!"

At this point he's just trying to get out as fast as he can when he hears another question. "Can I come over, please?"

Okay, this question is just too weird for him but he figures he could just be polite & end the conversation. So, he answers back : "No! I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then he hears the person saying nervously ... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an EEiDIOT in the next cubicle who keeps answering all of my questions."

And the guy feeling so embarrassed quietly slips out of the cubicle & leaves the men's room as fast as he possibly could.

Making breakfast

A woman was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her man. Suddenly, her man burst into the kitchen. 

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The woman stared at him.

Then she said, 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The man calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

That is the END of the man's NO MORE breakfast!!!"

You better be drunk ....

A woman & a man are involved in a car accident & it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends & live in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault & women shouldn't be allowed to drive."

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine & celebrate our good fortune." And she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it & drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on & hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any???"

The woman smiles & replies, "Nope! I think I'll just wait for the police ..."


Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

He shouldn't have crawled up

An old country doctor goes way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It is so far out that there is no electricity.

When the doctor arrives, no-one is home, except for the labouring mother and her five-year-old child. The doctor instructs the child to hold a lantern up high so he can see while he helps the woman deliver the baby. The child does so, the mother pushes, and after a little while while the doctor lifts the newborn baby by the feet and spanks him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

'Hit him again,' the child says. 'He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place.'

Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

I know the whole truth ......

At school, Little Johnny is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it easy to blackmail them by saying, 'I know the whole truth.'

Little Johnny decides to try it out. He goes home, and is greeted by his mother.

He says, 'I know the truth.'

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, 'Just don't tell your father.'

... Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, 'I know the whole truth.'

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, 'Please don't say a word to your mother.'

Very pleased, the boy is on the way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 'I know the whole truth.'

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, 'Then come give your daddy a great big hug.'

Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

50 cents

A couple are going through some tough times, so they agree that the woman will walk the streets for a night and see if she can make a bit of money. The guy drops her off on a corner in a rough area of town and drives off. The next morning he picks her up and finds her with her hair a mess, make-up smudged and obviously needing a lot of rest.
She climbs in the car and excitedly says, 'Look honey, I made $40.50.'

'Which of the buggers gave you fifty cents?' he asks.

'All of them!' she says.

Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

Let's dream

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, 'I just dreamed of you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?'

You'll find out tonight,' he said.

'That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. It was a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

Men Vs Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife....

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage."

No Firewall

A little boy goes to his father & asks : "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers : "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mother & I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother & we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said :

"YOU'VE GOT MALE!"

WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting & fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper & give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves; it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:
Lock your wife & your dog in the house for at least an hour or more. Then open it & see who's happy to see you."

Please receive my prayer

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'

The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'

Go right up !

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'  The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'. The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

Worst than the worst !

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.

'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.

The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.

'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'

The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

Can I marry?

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same. So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''

His mother smiling said to him, ''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son. At least my mom & dad wasn't like the above...

Who is the father ?

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hop...ed for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

Cars in Heaven

One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven.

So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.

The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.

Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"

Missing Husband

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
... Lady: I lost my Husband

Inspector: What is his height?
Lady: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Lady: Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Lady: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair?
Lady: Changes according to season

Inspector: What was he wearing?
Lady: suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly

Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the lady started crying…..

Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!!

两种花, 一种镁

男：你喜欢什么花？　　　　

女：我喜欢两种花。

男：哪两种？我送给你！　　

女：有钱花，随便花！

男：你真美！ 　　

女：我哪美？

男：想得美　

It eats .....

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."
...
The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word,

Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well, says little Johnny, my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow" !!

The doorbell rang .......

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grizzled old biker type sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old biker smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old biker leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I???

I am no more lonely now .....

There is this husband who wrote to his wife : My dear, my boss had not paid my salary for a couple of months. can I sent you 100 kisses instead?

The wife wrote back : Dear, of course and I have received your kisses. I have used it wisely.  I gave given 30 kisses to the school's principal and now our child's school fee is settled. I have sent 30 kisses to the energy man and now we have electricity.  Another 30 kisses to the caterer and now I have food at the doorstep everyday.  I give a kiss to the rubbish collector everynight and I am no more lonely everynight. Thank you so much, dear !

A stalk of hair will do .......

Devoter ："Oh, Almighty Lord, please tell me, what's is a million years to you? "

Lord ："My son, it's just an eye's blink."　

Devoter ："What about a million dollars?"

Lord ："It's just a stalk of hair to me."　

Devoter ："Great，my kind Lord，I just want to ask from you a stalk of hair !"　

Lord ："No problem, let me finish blinking my eyes first"

I broke my records !

Boy : Mom, I have got the report cards for this term !
Mom : Great and I see you in good spirit ! I am sure you have got some good news for me !
Boy : Oh yes, I broke my record this term !
Mom : wow, that'a good news !
Boy : This time, i do not have anymore Cs and Ds as like previous terms.
Mom : Really ? Please don't keep me in suspense ! I can't wait anymore to see it !
Boy : Alright, I have got all F this time !

My Mother

Father : Boy , when you grow up, who do you want to marry ?

Boy : Dad, I will marry my mother ....

Father, huh? how can that be? How can you marry your mother ?

Boy : Why not ? If you can marry my mother, why can't I marry my mother ?

How old is your father?

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: Same as me la.

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He only became a father when I born lo !!!

All friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

Looking for problems ....

What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!

A maths problem ......

Men have faults too

Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
... everything they do.

Make up your mind.

A man is seated in a bus, and a sexy lady next to him starts breast feeding her baby.

The baby isn't sucking, so she says "Drink some milk or I'll give it to this nice man".
...

Several minutes later, the baby still wouldn't feed, so she says again, "Drink some milk, or I'll give it to this nice man".

Suddenly the man turns to her and says "Look, listen woman!! Make up your mind. I should have get off 4 bus stops ago!"

She Is on the phone ....

A wife hit her husband with a frying pan.

Husband: What was that for?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry Hubby!...

The next day the wife hit him with the frying pan again.

Husband: What's now?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone!

I'm sorry

好學的小明，什麼時候都找機會跟人英文練習練習。

一天，小明不小心在街上撞到了一個外國人。
 
小明立即把握機會："I'm sorry!"

外國人："I'm sorry too!"

小明不甘示弱"I'm sorry three!"

外國人："What are you sorry for?"

小明："什麼!Four我牙! I'm sorry five!"

外國人："Are you sick?"

小明："Six我!!I'm sorry seven.."

外國人："go suck an egg

小明：“连eight都出！I'm sorry nine”

外國人："are you wan to sorry ten？”

小明：“不可以输！！I'm sorry eleven

外國人："F U C K ！@##￥￥%……&%￥#

I need the police !

A marketing class was conducting in the campus.

In the mid of the class, Serene stood up and told the lecturer for an excuse as she needed to make a phone call.

The lecturer was surprised and told her not to make any call in the mid of the class as she could do it during breaks or after class.

Salina said, 'But I really need to call the police now.  I want to charge you for cheating us our money.  How can you ask us to pay such a high fee for such a rotten class?'

Do it yourself !

Salina was sleeping in class.  The teacher noticed it and asked the classmate sitting beside her to help wake Salina up.

The classmate said to the teacher, 'It's your fault, your class is so boring that everyone starts to sleep. So you wake her up yourself !'

Let me do it when you need me .....

The teacher noticed Robert had fallen in asleep in class. He got angry and shouted at Robert to come to the front and solve a mathematical problem on the whiteboard.  He told Robert if he could not solve the problem, he would be embarrassed and punished in front of the whole class.

Walking to the front, the teacher started to give remarks, "You are not doing well in your studies and you are still sleeping away.  How are you going to inprove your grades? Keep sleeping day and night !'

However, unexpectedly, Robert solved the problem beautifully and the teacher began to feel embarrassed and had nothing more to say, except to ask him to return to his seat and stay awake.

At this point Robert stared at him for a while with a funny look and said with a smile, 'I am going to take a nap again, Please don't disturb me. Wake me up only when you have any problem that you are unsure and need me to help solve, ok?'

Bring bad luck !

Girl ：We have no plans yet for today yet. Why not we have a spring cleaning in the house?

Boy :  That's great !

Girl : Alright, I will clean the floor and you wash the clothes.

Boy : Oh, let's do it the other way round.  My mom says it will bring bad luck to a guy who touches a female's undergarment.

Girl ：Really? So why did you touch and removed my bra and panties last night?  Didn't it bring you bad luck too?

Nothing means what?

Boy : Will you want to marry me ?

Girl : Do you have a flat?

Boy : Nope.

Girl : Do you drive a BMW?

Boy : Nope.

Girl : How much salary are you getting monthly?

Boy : Nothing ...

Girl : Hmmmm, you seem to have nothing ... how are you going to marry and feed me ??? I guess it is best that you move on :)

Boy : (softly speaking to himself). I have a bunglow，3 properties，3 ferrari，2 porsche... Why do you still want me to buy a BMW ??!! And I am an employer, where can I find somone to pay me salary ??!!

Returning me !

Ann was in the bathroom when the door bell rang.  She quickly wrapped herself with a towel and rushed to the door.

Opening it, she found her neighbour, Bob was at the door.

Bob was stunt seeing Ann clothed with just a towel and suggested : Hey, you are beautiful ! What about removing your towel for a moment and this S$ 500 is yours !

Ann gave a short thought and decided there was no harm and it was an easy S$ 500 . Thus she said : Sure !

She dropped her towel for about a minute and put it on again.

Bob handed her the S$ 500 bill : Great body !

Ann returned to her bedroom happily where her husband was doing some reading.

Her husband asked : Who was that ?

Ann replied : Our neighbour, Bob.

Husband ; Oh,. So he is here to return me S$ 500 that he borrowed from me last week.  Hasn't he ?

You still have to pay !

Jane was ready to checkout in a hotel.

Manager : Miss, it's S$ 4000 in total.

Jane got a shock and said : What? That is expensive ? I guess you have got a mistake !

Manager : There is no mistake, miss. You have stayed for 20 days and this rate is just right !

Jane : It's impossible ! I don't see how is has become 4K for just 20 days !

Manager : Miss, this is a 5-star hotel with facilities such as KTV, suana, gym and many others. This is a very reasonable rate !

Jane : But I never use these facilities ! How can you put that in my bill ?

Manager : We are so sorry, these facilities are there for you to enjoy and our rate is inclusive even if you do not use it !

At this moment, Jane took out a S$ 1,000 bill and ready to pass it to the manager .....

Manager : My sincere apology, it should be S$ 4,000 ......

Jane : Hey sir, remember the sex I performed and you have not paid me ?

Manager began to get very angry and said : hey, wait a minute ? I did not have sex with you !  Please don't say anything  untrue and mind your words !

Jane : Well, I offer sex service for you to enjoy and our rate is inclusive even if you do not use it !. You still have to pay ! My apology !

I want a sister .....

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother.

W

All the worries get initiated with "W"...

Who? Why? What? When? Which? Whom? Where?

War... Wine... Whisky... Women... Wealth... And finally .....

agreeable or not...... WIFE...

Condom n Sanitary Pad

A conversation between Condom n Sanitary Pad

Condom: when you work, I will have to stop work between 4-7 days

Sanitary pad: if you leak, I have to stop work for 10 MONTHS!

What are they called ?

Teacher: What are the people of Turkey called?

Student: I don’t know.

Teacher: They are called Turks, now What are the people of Germany called?

Student: They are called Germs.

What has happened to the lion ?

A happy rat announced, “Great news ! My brother is getting married soon !”
　　"Who is your brother ?"
　　"The lion in the forest." The rat replied.

　　"Are you sure ???? How can your brother is a lion ?"
　　"Haiz. let me tell you a secret." The rat speak with some tears, “I was once a lion before my marriage, and now..... a rat"

History Sbject

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

Student: There is no future in it.

What Can I Help You ?

Two gentlemen went into a watch shop.  The sales girl saw them and approached them, gave them a nice smile and asked, 'Sir, is there anything that I can help you?'

One of the gentlemen quickly turned his back facing the girl and pointed at his back 'Yes, you can stretch my back. Thanks.'

Who is quilty ?

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.

The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible?

THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.

How to pass Maths?

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.
On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how I know the right answer one ???

Girlfriends, mistresses and wives

Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.

Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.

WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!

Do it the same !

Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.

How much is 1 yard of fabric ?

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress & asks the male clerk. How much does it costs? “Only 1 kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take 10 yards.” With expectation & anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up & then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag & pointed to the old man standing beside her & smiled “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

Meaning of WIFE

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!
Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever

Why married 4 times?

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Feeling like a woman !

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

The meaning of Roses

John went into a flower shop and asked to buy some flowers for his girlfriend.
He asked the store owner :

John : What does 1 stalk of rose mean ?
Mary : It means she is your only one.

John : What about 3 stalks ?
Mary : It says 'I Love You'

John : Ok, my friend actually adviced me to buy her 999 stalks.  So what does that mean ?
Mary : Haha, it means you are very rich !

Fair Court

In court, the suspect shouted out loudly : Honourable Judge, I am not quilty ! I have never rape her !

Judge : Can I hear your explanation and is there any proof to show that you are not quilty?
Suspect : Oh, I guess I need some time to piece all the evident together....
Judge : Fine, this court is fair and and will give everyone fair chance to speak up.  I will let you stay in prison for 5 years so you can piece your story up. Is the time given enough?
Suspect : !!!!!

A cold War

Two men's conversation in a eating house :

Steve : Hey, you look sad today. What's up ?
Ken :  Haiz, my wife and I had a quarrel and and had declared a cold war for a week !
Steve : That's not too bad, at least you can rest your ears for a week !
Ken : Yeah but the problem now is today is the last day of the week ....... haiz..........

數一數二

甲︰「你的兒子數學程度如何？」
乙︰「他是數一數二的。」
甲︰「我的兒子也是『數一數二』的，但是數到三就錯了。」

Out Station

Wife : Why did you beat up our child after the dinner earlier?
Husband : Exams results will be relased tomorrow and i will be out of town for work. Hence I better beat him up today in advance !

Letter of Well Wishes

Nurse  : There is this letter from your friend !
Patient : I am too weak, can you read to me?
Nurse  : Sure, your friend wrote, 'I am sorry that I am too busy to pay you a visit in the hospital. However I promise I will be at your funeral soon. That's a promise. Hug with love !'

A Good Question

Guy : Can I bed with you?
Girl  : Cannot !!!
Guy : Huh, did you hear what I have asked you?
Girl  : Of course I did !
Guy : So what did I ask?
Girl  : Can I bed with you?
Guy : Sure, you can !!

Has not come !

Four statements that Guys is frigthened to hear :

When young, mother says, 'The wofe is here ! 狼来了!'
When in school, classmates say, 'The teacher is here ! 老师来了!'
When married, friends say, 'Your wife is here ! 你老婆来了!'
When rich, mistress says, 'My period has not come for this month ! 这个月，那个还没来!'

The Secret of a Happy Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making the marriage last... Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney and mine in Melbourne...

I have the perfect son.

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'
He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!! : )

Wearing 3 coats

A woman was painting her kitchen.
Man : "Honey, why are you wearing 3 coats?"
Woman : "Cos the instructions & directions on the paint cans said to use 3 coats for the best results."...
Man flips & *FAINTZZZzzzZZZzzz ...*!!! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... !!! ;O))

I have AIDS

A man is dying of cancer. His son asked him, "dad, why do you keep telling people you have AIDS?" the man says, "so when i'm dead, no one will dare touch your mother." (:

Yes No Yes No Yes No

A man is driving in his car with his woman.
Man : "Honey, can you please see if my blinker is working?"
Woman sticks her head out of the car window & replied : "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
...
Man slams his head against the car's steering wheel & *Faintzzz*!!! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... !!! ;O))