Wednesday, September 18, 2013
How many apples are there ?
A
teacher teaching Maths to seven-year-old Laiq asked him, “If I give
you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you
have?” Within a few seconds Laiq replied confidently, “Four!”
The dismayed teacher was expecting an effortless correct answer,
three. She was disappointed. “Maybe the child did not listen
properly.” – she thought. She repeated, “Laiq, listen
carefully. If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how
many apples will you have?” Laiq had seen the disappointment on his
teacher’s face. He calculated again on his fingers. But within him
he was also searching for the answer that will make the teacher
happy. His search for the answer was not for the correct one, but the
one that will make his teacher happy. This time hesitatingly he
replied, “Four.” The disappointment stayed on the teacher’s
face. She remembered that Laiq liked strawberries. She thought maybe
he doesn’t like apples and that is making him loose focus. This
time with an exaggerated excitement and twinkling in her eyes she
asked, “If I give you one strawberry and one strawberry and one
strawberry, then how many you will have?” Seeing the teacher happy,
young Laiq calculated on his fingers again. There was no pressure on
him, but a little on the teacher. She wanted her new approach to
succeed. With a hesitating smile young Laiq replied, “Three?” The
teacher now had a victorious smile. Her approach had succeeded. She
wanted to congratulate herself. But one last thing remained. Once
again she asked him, “Now if I give you one apple and one apple and
one more apple how many will you have?” Promptly Laiq answered,
“Four!” The teacher was aghast. “How Laiq, how?” she demanded
in a little stern and irritated voice. In a voice that was low and
hesitating young Laiq replied, “Because I already have one apple in
my bag.”
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
What other problem can there be greater than this one?
Wife:What are you doing?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife :Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband : I was looking for the expiry date.
Wife : Do you want dinner?’
Husband : Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife :Yes or no.
Wife:You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself: What other problem can there be greater than this one?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife :Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband : I was looking for the expiry date.
Wife : Do you want dinner?’
Husband : Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife :Yes or no.
Wife:You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself: What other problem can there be greater than this one?
Bring back a London lady
A
woman goes to United Kingdom to attend a 2 week Company training
session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughs and says: An London girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip?
Very good, thank you. And, what happened to my present?
Which present? She asked.
The one I asked for – an London girl !!
Oh, that she said:
Well,
I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s
a girl!!!
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughs and says: An London girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip?
Very good, thank you. And, what happened to my present?
Which present? She asked.
The one I asked for – an London girl !!
Oh, that she said:
Monday, September 16, 2013
Happening in 2020
Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…
Customer : Hello, can I order..
Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?
Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610
Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : We are connected to the system Sir.
Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza…
Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.
Customer : How come?
Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir
Customer : What?… What do you recommend then?
Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it.
Customer : How do you know for sure?
Operator : You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir.
Customer : OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99!
Customer : Can I pay by! credit card?
Operator : I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.
Customer : I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator : You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.
Customer : Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…
Customer : What!
Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…
Operator : Is there anything else Sir?
Customer : Nothing.! .. by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic…….
Customer : #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?
Customer : Faints….
Customer : Hello, can I order..
Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?
Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610
Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : We are connected to the system Sir.
Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza…
Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.
Customer : How come?
Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir
Customer : What?… What do you recommend then?
Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it.
Customer : How do you know for sure?
Operator : You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir.
Customer : OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99!
Customer : Can I pay by! credit card?
Operator : I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.
Customer : I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator : You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.
Customer : Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…
Customer : What!
Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…
Operator : Is there anything else Sir?
Customer : Nothing.! .. by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic…….
Customer : #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?
Customer : Faints….
Sunday, September 15, 2013
I want to speak to Annie Wan
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree
Saturday, September 14, 2013
A letter to Bill Gates
Dear Bill Gates,
I bought a Laptop (Window Vista) for me and I found some problems which i wanted to bring to your attention.
1. There is a button "START" but there is no "STOP" button, I want to request you to check this.
2. Another Doubt, Is there any "Re-Scooter" Available in the System? I find only "Re-Cycle" but i own a scooter in my home..
One Personal question, how does it Happened..?
Your Name is 'GATES' but you are selling the products as 'WINDOWS'!!
I recommend you to recheck the Name..
Regards,
Mr. Bean
I bought a Laptop (Window Vista) for me and I found some problems which i wanted to bring to your attention.
1. There is a button "START" but there is no "STOP" button, I want to request you to check this.
2. Another Doubt, Is there any "Re-Scooter" Available in the System? I find only "Re-Cycle" but i own a scooter in my home..
One Personal question, how does it Happened..?
Your Name is 'GATES' but you are selling the products as 'WINDOWS'!!
I recommend you to recheck the Name..
Regards,
Mr. Bean
Friday, September 13, 2013
We do prayer too
One day, Two Friends walking in a bush and Chat about future
Suddenly, they saw a lion in front of him.
They knelt down for prayers,
so that GOD would deliver him.
When they open their eyes, they saw the lion also kneeling down for prayers.
One Friend asked “Mr lion what are you doing ?”
The lion replied “Shut up! Don’t you pray before you Eat your food?”
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Phone at club
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
“WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
“MAN: “How much?
“WOMAN: “$65,000.
“MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
“WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
“WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!
“MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
“WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
“MAN: “How much?
“WOMAN: “$65,000.
“MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
“WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
“WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!
“MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
At the library
A guy asked a girl in a library;
“Do you mind if I sit beside you”?
The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, -
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!" And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"
“Do you mind if I sit beside you”?
The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, -
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!" And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"
I want to kiss a nun
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that ther
e's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that ther
e's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Swimming pool
A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone:
“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?”
“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.
“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”
“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”
Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do:put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”
“Ok daddy just a minute....”
A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.
”"What happened honey?”
“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked,ran round the room screaming,tripped over,and knocked her head on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”
“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad. He jumped out the window into the swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.”
After a really long pause this time... Daddy says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”
“No,this is 486-5713” “Sorry wrong number....!!!!”
“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?”
“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.
“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”
“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”
Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do:put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”
“Ok daddy just a minute....”
A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.
”"What happened honey?”
“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked,ran round the room screaming,tripped over,and knocked her head on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”
“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad. He jumped out the window into the swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.”
After a really long pause this time... Daddy says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”
“No,this is 486-5713” “Sorry wrong number....!!!!”
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The woman discovery
Man saw COLORS & invented PAINT.
Woman got inspired from PAINT & invented MAKE-UP.
Man coined WORDS & invented CONVERSATION.
Woman got inspired from CONVERSATION & invented GOSSIP.
Man learned AGRICULTURE & invented FOOD.
Woman got inspired from FOOD & invented DIET.
Man discovered FRIENDSHIP & invented LOVE.
Woman got inspired from LOVE & invented ... LOVE TRIANGLES!
Man discovered TRADING & invented MONEY.
Woman got MONEY & started SHOPPING.
That's it!
Thereafter, man has invented lots of things.
And WOMEN are still SHOPPING!
Woman got inspired from PAINT & invented MAKE-UP.
Man coined WORDS & invented CONVERSATION.
Woman got inspired from CONVERSATION & invented GOSSIP.
Man learned AGRICULTURE & invented FOOD.
Woman got inspired from FOOD & invented DIET.
Man discovered FRIENDSHIP & invented LOVE.
Woman got inspired from LOVE & invented ... LOVE TRIANGLES!
Man discovered TRADING & invented MONEY.
Woman got MONEY & started SHOPPING.
That's it!
Thereafter, man has invented lots of things.
And WOMEN are still SHOPPING!
2 chemistry classes
One Day Morning, A Girl Send Message to Boy Friend..
Girl: Hi.. Good Morning
Boy: Hey.... Very Good Morning..
Girl : What are you doing ?
Boy : killing mosquitoes
Girl : how many did you killed ?
Boy : total 5 ( 3 female 2 male )
Girl : how did you know that ?
Boy : 3 sitting near mirror ,, 2 near beer
On That Day in CHEMISTRY CLASS
Professor: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Boy: BA
Professor: For sodium?
Boy: NA
Professor: What will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atoms of NA are combined?
Boy: BANANA !!!
Professor: ????????????
Evening, On The Way to Home, He Meets An Accident With His New Ferrari. ..
Policemen Arrives....
Boy:- (Cried) Officer! My Brand New Car!
Police Replied:- You're Such materialistic. You Even Haven't Notice That Your Left Arm Has Been Cut Off.
Boy (He Looks At His Left Arm And Yells) : OMG ! My Rolex Watch..!
Girl: Hi.. Good Morning
Boy: Hey.... Very Good Morning..
Girl : What are you doing ?
Boy : killing mosquitoes
Girl : how many did you killed ?
Boy : total 5 ( 3 female 2 male )
Girl : how did you know that ?
Boy : 3 sitting near mirror ,, 2 near beer
On That Day in CHEMISTRY CLASS
Professor: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Boy: BA
Professor: For sodium?
Boy: NA
Professor: What will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atoms of NA are combined?
Boy: BANANA !!!
Professor: ????????????
Evening, On The Way to Home, He Meets An Accident With His New Ferrari. ..
Policemen Arrives....
Boy:- (Cried) Officer! My Brand New Car!
Police Replied:- You're Such materialistic. You Even Haven't Notice That Your Left Arm Has Been Cut Off.
Boy (He Looks At His Left Arm And Yells) : OMG ! My Rolex Watch..!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Cannot be Worst
A
father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your Son,
Johnny
P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your Son,
Johnny
P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Fifth Grade
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3×3?” Harry: “9?
Principal: “What is 6×6?” Harry: “36?
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?” Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.”
The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3×3?” Harry: “9?
Principal: “What is 6×6?” Harry: “36?
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?” Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.”
A good bet
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered.
"But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered.
"But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
Friday, August 30, 2013
My dad is a pharmacist
A
girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make
love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex
.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex
.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
Friday, August 23, 2013
What is my illness ?
One
day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that.
There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your
urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what
you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00.” Pete figured he
had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went
to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and
various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a
small slip of paper which read: 1. You have tennis elbow. 2. Soak
your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. 3. It will be better in
two weeks……. That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he
began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give
it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store,
located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and
printed out the following analysis: 1. Your tap water is too hard. 2.
Get a water softener. 3. Your dog has ringworm. 4. Bathe him with
anti-fungal shampoo. 5. Your daughter is using cocaine. 6. Put her in
a rehabilitation clinic. 7. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls.
They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Sad story of a man
Why I got divorced...
Last wéek was my birthday....
My wife didnt wish me....
My parents forgot and so did my kids....
I went to work....
Even my colleagues didnt wish me.... As i entered my cabin my secretary said,
"Happy Birthday Boss".... i felt so special.... She asked me out to lunch....
After lunch,she invited me to her apartment...
WE went there.... She said,"Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute ?"
"OKAY",i said...
She came out 5min later with a cake And My Wife,,My Parents,,My Kids,,My Friends & My Colleagues... All Screaming,,SURPRISE.... And I was waiting on the sofa............. NAKED
Last wéek was my birthday....
My wife didnt wish me....
My parents forgot and so did my kids....
I went to work....
Even my colleagues didnt wish me.... As i entered my cabin my secretary said,
"Happy Birthday Boss".... i felt so special.... She asked me out to lunch....
After lunch,she invited me to her apartment...
WE went there.... She said,"Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute ?"
"OKAY",i said...
She came out 5min later with a cake And My Wife,,My Parents,,My Kids,,My Friends & My Colleagues... All Screaming,,SURPRISE.... And I was waiting on the sofa............. NAKED
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Cockroach will not know
Ah Beng's wife is too afraid of cockroaches. One day, he heard scream of the wife. She saw a cockroach and was screaming. Ah Beng took the killing spray and passed to her. She turned to him and said "THIS SPRAY IS ONLY TO KILL THE MOSQUITO. can it work for the cockroach?"
'Just don't show the label to the mosquito'
'Just don't show the label to the mosquito'
Saturday, August 3, 2013
How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book. Have a Blessed Saturday morning everyone.
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book. Have a Blessed Saturday morning everyone.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Nonsense Generation
Girl: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and he lives in UK.We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now we've had 2 months of relationship through viber.I need ur blessings and good wishes daddy ..................
Dad said: Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your kids on e-bay, send them thru gmail. And if you are fed up with your husband .... sell him on amazon.
Dad said: Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your kids on e-bay, send them thru gmail. And if you are fed up with your husband .... sell him on amazon.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
His clothes
A little boy opened up the big & old family's Bible. With fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible & he picked it up, and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mommy, look what I found!", the boy called out to his mother.
"What have you got there, my dear son?", his mother asked.
With sparkles in his eyes & astonishment in his voice, he answered his mother, "It's Adam's clothes!!!"
Then something fell out of the Bible & he picked it up, and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mommy, look what I found!", the boy called out to his mother.
"What have you got there, my dear son?", his mother asked.
With sparkles in his eyes & astonishment in his voice, he answered his mother, "It's Adam's clothes!!!"
SEX
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the com
petition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --
My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the com
petition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --
My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
hell and Ass
A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bed room. The 7 year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say "Hell" and you say "ass." The 4 year old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, "Ah hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4 year old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, "Ah hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4 year old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Where is my Rolex ?
Evening, On The Way to Home, He Meets An Accident With His New Ferrari. ..
Policemen Arrives....
Boy:- (Cried) Officer! My Brand New Car!
Police Replied:- You're Such materialistic. You Even Haven't Notice That Your Left Arm Has Been Cut Off.
Boy (He Looks At His Left Arm And Yells) : OMG ! My Rolex Watch..!
Policemen Arrives....
Boy:- (Cried) Officer! My Brand New Car!
Police Replied:- You're Such materialistic. You Even Haven't Notice That Your Left Arm Has Been Cut Off.
Boy (He Looks At His Left Arm And Yells) : OMG ! My Rolex Watch..!
On That Day in CHEMISTRY CLASS
Professor: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Boy: BA
Professor: For sodium?
Boy: NA
Professor: What will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atoms of NA are combined?
Boy: BANANA !!!
Professor: ????????????
Boy: BA
Professor: For sodium?
Boy: NA
Professor: What will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atoms of NA are combined?
Boy: BANANA !!!
Professor: ????????????
Who are the males and who are the female ?
One Day Morning, A Girl Send Message to Boy Friend.
Girl: Hi.. Good Morning
Boy: Hey.... Very Good Morning..
Girl : What are you doing ?
Boy : killing mosquitoes
Girl : how many did you killed ?
Boy : total 5 ( 3 female 2 male )
Girl : how did you know that ?
Boy : 3 sitting near mirror, 2 sitting near the beer.
Girl: Hi.. Good Morning
Boy: Hey.... Very Good Morning..
Girl : What are you doing ?
Boy : killing mosquitoes
Girl : how many did you killed ?
Boy : total 5 ( 3 female 2 male )
Girl : how did you know that ?
Boy : 3 sitting near mirror, 2 sitting near the beer.
Our pyayer answer
A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father,I have 2 female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing; ‘Hi, we are harlots. Want to have some fun?’”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “I have a solution to your problem.Bring your 2 female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my 2 male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His 2 male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her 2 female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we are harlots, want to have some fun?”
The male patriots answer "Our prayer is answered !"
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “I have a solution to your problem.Bring your 2 female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my 2 male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His 2 male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her 2 female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we are harlots, want to have some fun?”
The male patriots answer "Our prayer is answered !"
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