I want to buy cat food

old lady:i want to buy cat's food
cashier: i need evidence cos others use it for own use n we don't allow human to eat cat's food...

so old lady went home to bring cat...

then second day she wanted to buy dog food and as usual,the cashier asked for the dog n she went home and bought the dog there...

then third day she became cleverer...she bought the item along to show the cashier for purchasing the item she wanted and then the cashier put her hands in to see n GUESSSSS

ITS SHIT!!and cashier was furious and said its a revenge but old lady said,'COS I WANTED TO BUY TOILET PAPER MAH!!"

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that.  My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

7 Lemons

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. 

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Program crushing !

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Regards,

Desperate

***

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 & Lingerie 5.3.

Good Luck!

Regards,

Tech Support

***

On Leave

Two blond guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.

Who is this guy ?

After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied.

He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man.

***He began to worry***

"This your husband?" he asked.

"No silly," she replied.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear.

"Well who is he then?"

Calmly the girl replied "That's me before the operation..."

What will I get?

Teacher : Sam, what will you get for 5485 + 6529 / 52 ?
Sam : Teacher, I will get a wrong answer.

Before and After marriage.

Before Marriage

Boy : At last, I can hardly wait !
Girl : Do you want to leave ?
Boy : No ! Don't even think of it !
Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Of course, always !
Girl : Have you ever cheated me ?
Boy : NO ! Why are you asking ?
Girl : will you want to kiss me ?
Boy : every chance I get.
Girl : Will you hit me ???
Boy : hell no !!! are you crazy ?
Girl : can I trust you ??
Boy : YES !
Girl : Darling !
 
After Marriage
 
Please read above from the bottom up.

Going to be three

A newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, there're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

15 Years Prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He later ties the girl to the bed, kisses the women on her neck and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Like what ?

Virginity is like balloon, 1 pop & it’s gone forever!

Sex is like Pringles, once you start you can’t stop!

The exam paper is like a dick, when it gets hard people get fucked!

Fate is like getting raped, if u can’t fight it so learn 2 enjoy it!

Work is like a group sex, 10 people are behind your ass to take your place!

Education is like hiring prostitute, it needs both your money & hard work!

Success is like masturbating, only your own hands can achieve it!

75 years old

An elderly lady on a cruise ship was holding her hat tight so that it would not be blown away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, 
"Pardon me, madam....your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Speak English please !

Teacher : 你父亲叫什么名字?
Student : 蒋英宇
Teacher : What's your father's name?

I am pig ......

我说：“你是猪。”你说：“我是猪才怪！”从此我就叫你猪才怪。终于有一天，你忍不住当着众人的面对我吼道：“我不是猪才怪！”

Program Manager

Tech Support: "Ok Joe, let's press the control & escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." 

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Joe."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Joe."

Customer: "NO! I'm NOT going to do that!!!" 

PRINTER PROBLEM

A colleague got a pen stuck inside the office printer. He started to try & remove the pen. But I told him we don't have time for that now; just put a note on the printer telling people not to use it & then report it to the Help Desk. So, he grabbed a piece of paper & scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. 

About 20 minutes later; one of my technician comes in laughing & says he was just in the lobby and saw a piece of paper on a printer & went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to be ... 

Request a raise in salary

"I, Mr P.Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:


I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely Yours,

Mr P.Niss"



FROM THE RESPONSE ...



Dear Mr P.Niss,

After assessing your request & considering the arguments you have raised; the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task ... And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering & exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.


Sincerely Yours,

Ms V.Gina"

Hello, how are you?

A guy was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the next cubicle saying: "Hello, how are you?"


The guy was a little stun as he's not the type who would start a conversation in the restroom but he does not know what got into him suddenly; so he answered & was somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So, what are you up to?"

Now what kind of question is that? At that point, the guy is thinking that this is all too bizarre so he says : "Uhhh ... I'm like you who is just traveling!"

At this point he's just trying to get out as fast as he can when he hears another question. "Can I come over, please?"

Okay, this question is just too weird for him but he figures he could just be polite & end the conversation. So, he answers back : "No! I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then he hears the person saying nervously ... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an EEiDIOT in the next cubicle who keeps answering all of my questions."

And the guy feeling so embarrassed quietly slips out of the cubicle & leaves the men's room as fast as he possibly could.

Making breakfast

A woman was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her man. Suddenly, her man burst into the kitchen. 

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The woman stared at him.

Then she said, 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The man calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

That is the END of the man's NO MORE breakfast!!!"

You better be drunk ....

A woman & a man are involved in a car accident & it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends & live in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault & women shouldn't be allowed to drive."

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine & celebrate our good fortune." And she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it & drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on & hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any???"

The woman smiles & replies, "Nope! I think I'll just wait for the police ..."


Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

He shouldn't have crawled up

An old country doctor goes way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It is so far out that there is no electricity.

When the doctor arrives, no-one is home, except for the labouring mother and her five-year-old child. The doctor instructs the child to hold a lantern up high so he can see while he helps the woman deliver the baby. The child does so, the mother pushes, and after a little while while the doctor lifts the newborn baby by the feet and spanks him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

'Hit him again,' the child says. 'He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place.'

Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

I know the whole truth ......

At school, Little Johnny is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it easy to blackmail them by saying, 'I know the whole truth.'

Little Johnny decides to try it out. He goes home, and is greeted by his mother.

He says, 'I know the truth.'

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, 'Just don't tell your father.'

... Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, 'I know the whole truth.'

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, 'Please don't say a word to your mother.'

Very pleased, the boy is on the way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 'I know the whole truth.'

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, 'Then come give your daddy a great big hug.'

Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

50 cents

A couple are going through some tough times, so they agree that the woman will walk the streets for a night and see if she can make a bit of money. The guy drops her off on a corner in a rough area of town and drives off. The next morning he picks her up and finds her with her hair a mess, make-up smudged and obviously needing a lot of rest.
She climbs in the car and excitedly says, 'Look honey, I made $40.50.'

'Which of the buggers gave you fifty cents?' he asks.

'All of them!' she says.

Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

Let's dream

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, 'I just dreamed of you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?'

You'll find out tonight,' he said.

'That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. It was a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/

Men Vs Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife....

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage."

No Firewall

A little boy goes to his father & asks : "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers : "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mother & I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother & we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said :

"YOU'VE GOT MALE!"

WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting & fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper & give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves; it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:
Lock your wife & your dog in the house for at least an hour or more. Then open it & see who's happy to see you."

Please receive my prayer

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'

The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'

Go right up !

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'  The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'. The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

Worst than the worst !

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.

'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.

The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.

'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'

The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

Can I marry?

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same. So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''

His mother smiling said to him, ''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son. At least my mom & dad wasn't like the above...

Who is the father ?

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hop...ed for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

Cars in Heaven

One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven.

So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.

The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.

Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"

Missing Husband

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
... Lady: I lost my Husband

Inspector: What is his height?
Lady: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Lady: Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Lady: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair?
Lady: Changes according to season

Inspector: What was he wearing?
Lady: suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly

Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the lady started crying…..

Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!!

两种花, 一种镁

男：你喜欢什么花？　　　　

女：我喜欢两种花。

男：哪两种？我送给你！　　

女：有钱花，随便花！

男：你真美！ 　　

女：我哪美？

男：想得美　

It eats .....

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."
...
The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word,

Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well, says little Johnny, my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow" !!

The doorbell rang .......

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grizzled old biker type sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old biker smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old biker leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I???

I am no more lonely now .....

There is this husband who wrote to his wife : My dear, my boss had not paid my salary for a couple of months. can I sent you 100 kisses instead?

The wife wrote back : Dear, of course and I have received your kisses. I have used it wisely.  I gave given 30 kisses to the school's principal and now our child's school fee is settled. I have sent 30 kisses to the energy man and now we have electricity.  Another 30 kisses to the caterer and now I have food at the doorstep everyday.  I give a kiss to the rubbish collector everynight and I am no more lonely everynight. Thank you so much, dear !

A stalk of hair will do .......

Devoter ："Oh, Almighty Lord, please tell me, what's is a million years to you? "

Lord ："My son, it's just an eye's blink."　

Devoter ："What about a million dollars?"

Lord ："It's just a stalk of hair to me."　

Devoter ："Great，my kind Lord，I just want to ask from you a stalk of hair !"　

Lord ："No problem, let me finish blinking my eyes first"

I broke my records !

Boy : Mom, I have got the report cards for this term !
Mom : Great and I see you in good spirit ! I am sure you have got some good news for me !
Boy : Oh yes, I broke my record this term !
Mom : wow, that'a good news !
Boy : This time, i do not have anymore Cs and Ds as like previous terms.
Mom : Really ? Please don't keep me in suspense ! I can't wait anymore to see it !
Boy : Alright, I have got all F this time !

My Mother

Father : Boy , when you grow up, who do you want to marry ?

Boy : Dad, I will marry my mother ....

Father, huh? how can that be? How can you marry your mother ?

Boy : Why not ? If you can marry my mother, why can't I marry my mother ?

How old is your father?

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: Same as me la.

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He only became a father when I born lo !!!

All friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

Looking for problems ....

What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!

A maths problem ......

Men have faults too

Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
... everything they do.

Make up your mind.

A man is seated in a bus, and a sexy lady next to him starts breast feeding her baby.

The baby isn't sucking, so she says "Drink some milk or I'll give it to this nice man".
...

Several minutes later, the baby still wouldn't feed, so she says again, "Drink some milk, or I'll give it to this nice man".

Suddenly the man turns to her and says "Look, listen woman!! Make up your mind. I should have get off 4 bus stops ago!"

She Is on the phone ....

A wife hit her husband with a frying pan.

Husband: What was that for?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry Hubby!...

The next day the wife hit him with the frying pan again.

Husband: What's now?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone!

I'm sorry

好學的小明，什麼時候都找機會跟人英文練習練習。

一天，小明不小心在街上撞到了一個外國人。
 
小明立即把握機會："I'm sorry!"

外國人："I'm sorry too!"

小明不甘示弱"I'm sorry three!"

外國人："What are you sorry for?"

小明："什麼!Four我牙! I'm sorry five!"

外國人："Are you sick?"

小明："Six我!!I'm sorry seven.."

外國人："go suck an egg

小明：“连eight都出！I'm sorry nine”

外國人："are you wan to sorry ten？”

小明：“不可以输！！I'm sorry eleven

外國人："F U C K ！@##￥￥%……&%￥#

I need the police !

A marketing class was conducting in the campus.

In the mid of the class, Serene stood up and told the lecturer for an excuse as she needed to make a phone call.

The lecturer was surprised and told her not to make any call in the mid of the class as she could do it during breaks or after class.

Salina said, 'But I really need to call the police now.  I want to charge you for cheating us our money.  How can you ask us to pay such a high fee for such a rotten class?'

Do it yourself !

Salina was sleeping in class.  The teacher noticed it and asked the classmate sitting beside her to help wake Salina up.

The classmate said to the teacher, 'It's your fault, your class is so boring that everyone starts to sleep. So you wake her up yourself !'

Let me do it when you need me .....

The teacher noticed Robert had fallen in asleep in class. He got angry and shouted at Robert to come to the front and solve a mathematical problem on the whiteboard.  He told Robert if he could not solve the problem, he would be embarrassed and punished in front of the whole class.

Walking to the front, the teacher started to give remarks, "You are not doing well in your studies and you are still sleeping away.  How are you going to inprove your grades? Keep sleeping day and night !'

However, unexpectedly, Robert solved the problem beautifully and the teacher began to feel embarrassed and had nothing more to say, except to ask him to return to his seat and stay awake.

At this point Robert stared at him for a while with a funny look and said with a smile, 'I am going to take a nap again, Please don't disturb me. Wake me up only when you have any problem that you are unsure and need me to help solve, ok?'

Bring bad luck !

Girl ：We have no plans yet for today yet. Why not we have a spring cleaning in the house?

Boy :  That's great !

Girl : Alright, I will clean the floor and you wash the clothes.

Boy : Oh, let's do it the other way round.  My mom says it will bring bad luck to a guy who touches a female's undergarment.

Girl ：Really? So why did you touch and removed my bra and panties last night?  Didn't it bring you bad luck too?

Nothing means what?

Boy : Will you want to marry me ?

Girl : Do you have a flat?

Boy : Nope.

Girl : Do you drive a BMW?

Boy : Nope.

Girl : How much salary are you getting monthly?

Boy : Nothing ...

Girl : Hmmmm, you seem to have nothing ... how are you going to marry and feed me ??? I guess it is best that you move on :)

Boy : (softly speaking to himself). I have a bunglow，3 properties，3 ferrari，2 porsche... Why do you still want me to buy a BMW ??!! And I am an employer, where can I find somone to pay me salary ??!!

Returning me !

Ann was in the bathroom when the door bell rang.  She quickly wrapped herself with a towel and rushed to the door.

Opening it, she found her neighbour, Bob was at the door.

Bob was stunt seeing Ann clothed with just a towel and suggested : Hey, you are beautiful ! What about removing your towel for a moment and this S$ 500 is yours !

Ann gave a short thought and decided there was no harm and it was an easy S$ 500 . Thus she said : Sure !

She dropped her towel for about a minute and put it on again.

Bob handed her the S$ 500 bill : Great body !

Ann returned to her bedroom happily where her husband was doing some reading.

Her husband asked : Who was that ?

Ann replied : Our neighbour, Bob.

Husband ; Oh,. So he is here to return me S$ 500 that he borrowed from me last week.  Hasn't he ?

You still have to pay !

Jane was ready to checkout in a hotel.

Manager : Miss, it's S$ 4000 in total.

Jane got a shock and said : What? That is expensive ? I guess you have got a mistake !

Manager : There is no mistake, miss. You have stayed for 20 days and this rate is just right !

Jane : It's impossible ! I don't see how is has become 4K for just 20 days !

Manager : Miss, this is a 5-star hotel with facilities such as KTV, suana, gym and many others. This is a very reasonable rate !

Jane : But I never use these facilities ! How can you put that in my bill ?

Manager : We are so sorry, these facilities are there for you to enjoy and our rate is inclusive even if you do not use it !

At this moment, Jane took out a S$ 1,000 bill and ready to pass it to the manager .....

Manager : My sincere apology, it should be S$ 4,000 ......

Jane : Hey sir, remember the sex I performed and you have not paid me ?

Manager began to get very angry and said : hey, wait a minute ? I did not have sex with you !  Please don't say anything  untrue and mind your words !

Jane : Well, I offer sex service for you to enjoy and our rate is inclusive even if you do not use it !. You still have to pay ! My apology !

I want a sister .....

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother.

W

All the worries get initiated with "W"...

Who? Why? What? When? Which? Whom? Where?

War... Wine... Whisky... Women... Wealth... And finally .....

agreeable or not...... WIFE...

Condom n Sanitary Pad

A conversation between Condom n Sanitary Pad

Condom: when you work, I will have to stop work between 4-7 days

Sanitary pad: if you leak, I have to stop work for 10 MONTHS!

What are they called ?

Teacher: What are the people of Turkey called?

Student: I don’t know.

Teacher: They are called Turks, now What are the people of Germany called?

Student: They are called Germs.

What has happened to the lion ?

A happy rat announced, “Great news ! My brother is getting married soon !”
　　"Who is your brother ?"
　　"The lion in the forest." The rat replied.

　　"Are you sure ???? How can your brother is a lion ?"
　　"Haiz. let me tell you a secret." The rat speak with some tears, “I was once a lion before my marriage, and now..... a rat"

History Sbject

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

Student: There is no future in it.

What Can I Help You ?

Two gentlemen went into a watch shop.  The sales girl saw them and approached them, gave them a nice smile and asked, 'Sir, is there anything that I can help you?'

One of the gentlemen quickly turned his back facing the girl and pointed at his back 'Yes, you can stretch my back. Thanks.'

Who is quilty ?

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.

The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible?

THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.

How to pass Maths?

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.
On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how I know the right answer one ???

Girlfriends, mistresses and wives

Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.

Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.

WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!

Do it the same !

Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.

How much is 1 yard of fabric ?

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress & asks the male clerk. How much does it costs? “Only 1 kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take 10 yards.” With expectation & anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up & then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag & pointed to the old man standing beside her & smiled “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

Meaning of WIFE

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!
Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever

Why married 4 times?

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Feeling like a woman !

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

The meaning of Roses

John went into a flower shop and asked to buy some flowers for his girlfriend.
He asked the store owner :

John : What does 1 stalk of rose mean ?
Mary : It means she is your only one.

John : What about 3 stalks ?
Mary : It says 'I Love You'

John : Ok, my friend actually adviced me to buy her 999 stalks.  So what does that mean ?
Mary : Haha, it means you are very rich !

Fair Court

In court, the suspect shouted out loudly : Honourable Judge, I am not quilty ! I have never rape her !

Judge : Can I hear your explanation and is there any proof to show that you are not quilty?
Suspect : Oh, I guess I need some time to piece all the evident together....
Judge : Fine, this court is fair and and will give everyone fair chance to speak up.  I will let you stay in prison for 5 years so you can piece your story up. Is the time given enough?
Suspect : !!!!!

A cold War

Two men's conversation in a eating house :

Steve : Hey, you look sad today. What's up ?
Ken :  Haiz, my wife and I had a quarrel and and had declared a cold war for a week !
Steve : That's not too bad, at least you can rest your ears for a week !
Ken : Yeah but the problem now is today is the last day of the week ....... haiz..........

數一數二

甲︰「你的兒子數學程度如何？」
乙︰「他是數一數二的。」
甲︰「我的兒子也是『數一數二』的，但是數到三就錯了。」

Out Station

Wife : Why did you beat up our child after the dinner earlier?
Husband : Exams results will be relased tomorrow and i will be out of town for work. Hence I better beat him up today in advance !

Letter of Well Wishes

Nurse  : There is this letter from your friend !
Patient : I am too weak, can you read to me?
Nurse  : Sure, your friend wrote, 'I am sorry that I am too busy to pay you a visit in the hospital. However I promise I will be at your funeral soon. That's a promise. Hug with love !'

A Good Question

Guy : Can I bed with you?
Girl  : Cannot !!!
Guy : Huh, did you hear what I have asked you?
Girl  : Of course I did !
Guy : So what did I ask?
Girl  : Can I bed with you?
Guy : Sure, you can !!

Has not come !

Four statements that Guys is frigthened to hear :

When young, mother says, 'The wofe is here ! 狼来了!'
When in school, classmates say, 'The teacher is here ! 老师来了!'
When married, friends say, 'Your wife is here ! 你老婆来了!'
When rich, mistress says, 'My period has not come for this month ! 这个月，那个还没来!'

The Secret of a Happy Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making the marriage last... Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney and mine in Melbourne...

I have the perfect son.

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'
He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!! : )

Wearing 3 coats

A woman was painting her kitchen.
Man : "Honey, why are you wearing 3 coats?"
Woman : "Cos the instructions & directions on the paint cans said to use 3 coats for the best results."...
Man flips & *FAINTZZZzzzZZZzzz ...*!!! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... !!! ;O))

I have AIDS

A man is dying of cancer. His son asked him, "dad, why do you keep telling people you have AIDS?" the man says, "so when i'm dead, no one will dare touch your mother." (:

Yes No Yes No Yes No

A man is driving in his car with his woman.
Man : "Honey, can you please see if my blinker is working?"
Woman sticks her head out of the car window & replied : "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
...
Man slams his head against the car's steering wheel & *Faintzzz*!!! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... !!! ;O))

WTF

Kid's dad joined Facebook..kid's status: "WTF, dad joined Facebook!!..." Dad asked kid, 'what is WTF?' Kid replies, 'Welcome To Facebook' :)

You are Here ......

A man & his woman were at a park looking at a map to see where they were.
Man : "Honey, why are you looking so surprised?"
Woman points to the map & replies : "The map says 'You Are Here'? This is strange. How do they know that I am here or we are here?"
...
Man scratches his head, shakes his head, flips & *FAINTZZZzzz*!!! Heeeeeee ... !!! ;O))

Little black dots ......

Man looks at his woman & said : "Honey, why are you taking such a long time to start up the computer?"
Woman : "I'm trying my best but I can never put in my password cos it's always showing me little black dots!!!"
Man's eyes, mouth & jaws wide open and he flips & *FAINTZZZ*!!! Heeeee ... !!! :O))

Starring at fruit juice

A man & his woman were in a supermarket.
Man : "Honey, what are you doing?"

Woman : "Shhhh ... Don't disturb me! I'm concentrating very hard on this orange juice carton because it says concentrate."
...Man looked at his woman & *FAINTZZZ*!!! ... Heeeeeeeeeeee ... !!! :O))

Windows

A lady customer was in a curtain shop.

Lady : "I want those pretty pink curtains for my computer!"
Curtain shop Man : "But miss, computers don't need curtains."
Lady : "Duh, I have windows!!!"...
Curtain shop man eyes & mouth wide open & *Faintzzz*!!! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... !!! :p

Any key

A female staff at work.

Her computer prompted her saying : "Press any key to start".
She sits there for 10 minutes looking & staring hard at her keyboard.
Then, she finally shouted at her other colleagues : "Help me cos I am totally lost! Where is the 'ANY' key???"
Other colleagues all scratched their heads & *Faintzzz*!!! ... Heheheheh...ehehe!!! :p

Computer message : Error

A man & his woman are making a new password for their computer.
Man types : "mypenis".

Woman *ROFL*(rolling on floor laughing) because the computer prompted a reply message alert which says "Error : Too short"!!!

...Hehehehehehehehehehe ... !!! :p

Baby with a Diaper

There was this 27 years old lady from China who was looking for a job in the advertising industry but did not have experience in the relevent dissapline.  Her friends discouraged her for going into this field as they thought might be too tough for her to learn from the start.

However, despite her friends' advice, her interrest to go into the advertising inducstry remained strong.  She began to mail out parcels to many top advertising companies.  In each parcels, it contained a diaper with her resume written on it,

Interestingly, most of those companies which received her parcels contacted her and arranged for an interview. During the interviews, she was asked how could she come out with an idea of writting her resume on the diapers and guess was something very different.

Her reply was great, She said, "Being a new comer in this advertising industry, I am like a baby clad with a diaper. With the diaper, I can aborb and learn fast."

Today, she is a creative director in one of the top advertising company in China. Great !

* This article is translated from an article written in Chinese.

Stand Up Please !

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

If Facebook Existed Years Ago.

by Suni Hoffman

Advice for all chicken

Every chicken mother's last words to her children at a farm, "You were born original, don't die crispy."

Let's Cheers !

A Chinese man and an English man were dining in a restaurant. The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, Kan Pei (Cheers).
The English man was confused but he continued eating.

This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say Kan Pei

The English man o...nly nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.
After making about 10 toast, the Chinese man once again said, Kan Pei whilst lifting up his glass

. This time, the English man finally put down his cutlery and said angrily to the Chinese man, "Its all right if you CAN'T PAY! I'll pay!

So please shut up!

Making A Wish

A couple came upon a wishing well. The woman leaned over, made a wish & threw in a coin. The man decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The woman was stunned for a while but then she smiled and said, "Wow!!! It really works!!!" ... Hehehehehe!!! ;-))

I'm a wife

Three guys and two ladies were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

The first lady says, "hmm, then i must be a GM in my company...... General Maid"

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F* , Etc."

Beer Like Women ?

Beer contain female hormones It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

Where's my sock ?

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.

That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.

Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Mark 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

I am working in the F&B

Robert : Hi, Sam, it's really nice knowing you today !

Sam : Ya, I feel the same too.

Robert : What do you do for your living ?

Sam : Oh, I am in the F&B.

Robert : Great ! It's growing industry, isn't it?

Sam : Yes, I love my work so much. I make coffee for all my colleagues every morning in a renovation company.

Spread the Stupidity

Why.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why . .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ..

Why the sun lightens our hair, But darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why? Good question.
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (may be even a chuckle)....in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Star Trek

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into the US President.

Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I've seen in America."

Politely, the President answered, "If I can help explain things to you, ple...ase let me know."

The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there's Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren't there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".

The President whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."

What's the bloody code ?

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George

Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line

of Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condole...ezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside

Prison vesus Work Place

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good beha...vior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.

While writing a documentary.

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply was: "Me only have one woman. On...e woman ... one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave.

This brave had two feathers in his headdress and he replied: Me have two women. Two women ... two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me fuck'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me fuck'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me fuck'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried,"Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

Three moral stories ...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a... basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful l...ook on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Shit."

Nobody did it

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but N...obody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

School Days

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

I want to buy sausages ....

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't kn...ow how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!

zzzt!

An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's cheek and saying, "zzzt!" Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, "If you do that one more time, I'll chop your penis off!''

Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, "zzzt!"

The guy said, "Okay, that'...s it!" He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there.

He then said, "Well, if you don't have a penis, how do you have sex?"

The alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek, and said "zzzt!"

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will ...serve me a sumptuous dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?’

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The fucking' funeral director would be my first guess.'

I am drunk ....

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Ca...n't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Why are you issuing tickets?

John went to the store the other day. He was only in there for about five minutes, and when he came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So John went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored John and continued writing the ticket. So John called him a stupid idi...ot. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then John really got angry at the cop. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more John abused him, the more tickets he wrote. John didn't care. His car was parked around the corner

He does not have a license

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That...'s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

The Chicken is delicious

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You re...member how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Hi Alex !

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said 50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some p...retty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".

Three companies are after me .....

"Boss, I've got to have a raise," the salesman said to his sales manager.

"There are three other companies after me."

"Is that a fact?" the manager asked. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."

Speaking the truth and yet keeping his promise

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and... true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Need to set up a tripod

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping... to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."

"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

You know my job ?

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So... they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

I am just taking my lunch ......

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The... Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."