I didn't recognize you!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

I want a raise

A maid wanted a salary raise:

Madam wanted 3 reasons why she wanted a raise

Maid: I can cook Better than you.

Madam: who told you that ?

Maid: your husband told Me?

Madam: Ok, second reason

Maid: I can iron Better than you.

Madam: who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told Me.

Madam: Ok, and the third reason

Maid: I am also Better in bed than you.

This time madam was furious & was getting ready to break her head.

Madam: Did my husband say that?

Maid: No the driver told me that I’m better in bed than you are.

Madam: Please lower your voice I will increase your salary…

A wise husband

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. 

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! ......"

Lie detector

Never Argue with chldren