Waiter VS customer

Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs?

Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer:No, I can't.

Waiter:Then does it really matter?

Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Customer:Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.

Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?

Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

His funeral ?

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday. 

How many apples are there ?

A teacher teaching Maths to seven-year-old Laiq asked him, “If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?” Within a few seconds Laiq replied confidently, “Four!” The dismayed teacher was expecting an effortless correct answer, three. She was disappointed. “Maybe the child did not listen properly.” – she thought. She repeated, “Laiq, listen carefully. If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?” Laiq had seen the disappointment on his teacher’s face. He calculated again on his fingers. But within him he was also searching for the answer that will make the teacher happy. His search for the answer was not for the correct one, but the one that will make his teacher happy. This time hesitatingly he replied, “Four.” The disappointment stayed on the teacher’s face. She remembered that Laiq liked strawberries. She thought maybe he doesn’t like apples and that is making him loose focus. This time with an exaggerated excitement and twinkling in her eyes she asked, “If I give you one strawberry and one strawberry and one strawberry, then how many you will have?” Seeing the teacher happy, young Laiq calculated on his fingers again. There was no pressure on him, but a little on the teacher. She wanted her new approach to succeed. With a hesitating smile young Laiq replied, “Three?” The teacher now had a victorious smile. Her approach had succeeded. She wanted to congratulate herself. But one last thing remained. Once again she asked him, “Now if I give you one apple and one apple and one more apple how many will you have?” Promptly Laiq answered, “Four!” The teacher was aghast. “How Laiq, how?” she demanded in a little stern and irritated voice. In a voice that was low and hesitating young Laiq replied, “Because I already have one apple in my bag.”

What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Wife:What are you doing?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife :Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.

Husband : I was looking for the expiry date.

Wife : Do you want dinner?’

Husband : Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife :Yes or no.

Wife:You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself: What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Bring back a London lady

A woman goes to United Kingdom to attend a 2 week Company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughs and says: An London girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip?
Very good, thank you. And, what happened to my present?
Which present? She asked.
The one I asked for – an London girl !!
Oh, that she said:

Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl!!!

Happening in 2020

Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…

Customer : Hello, can I order..

Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?

Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : We are connected to the system Sir.

Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza…

Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.

Customer : How come?

Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir

Customer : What?… What do you recommend then?

Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it.

Customer : How do you know for sure?

Operator : You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir.

Customer : OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99!

Customer : Can I pay by! credit card?

Operator : I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

Customer : I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.

Operator : You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.

Customer : Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?

Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…

Customer : What!

Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…

Operator : Is there anything else Sir?

Customer : Nothing.! .. by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?

Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic…….

Customer : #$$^%&$@$%^

Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?

Customer : Faints…. 

I want to speak to Annie Wan

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
to me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree 

A letter to Bill Gates

Dear Bill Gates,

I bought a Laptop (Window Vista) for me and I found some problems which i wanted to bring to your attention.

1.  There is a button "START" but there is no "STOP" button, I want to request you to check this.

2. Another Doubt, Is there any "Re-Scooter" Available in the System? I find only "Re-Cycle" but i own a scooter in my home..

One Personal question, how does it Happened..?

Your Name is 'GATES' but you are selling the products as 'WINDOWS'!!

I recommend you to recheck the Name..

Regards,
Mr. Bean

We do prayer too

One day, Two Friends walking in a bush and Chat about future

Suddenly, they saw a lion in front of him.

They knelt down for prayers, 

so that GOD would deliver him.

When they open their eyes,  they saw the lion also kneeling down for prayers.

One Friend asked “Mr lion what are you doing ?”

The lion replied “Shut up! Don’t you pray before you Eat your food?”

Phone at club

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. 

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

“WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.

“MAN: “How much?

“WOMAN: “$65,000.

“MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

“WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.

“WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!

“MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?” 

At the library

A guy asked a girl in a library;

“Do you mind if I sit beside you”?
 
The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
 
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes,

the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, -

I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!" And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
 
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty" 

I want to kiss a nun

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that ther
e's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,

"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

Swimming pool

A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone:

“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.

“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do:put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”

“Ok daddy just a minute....”

A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.

”"What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked,ran round the room screaming,tripped over,and knocked her head on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad. He jumped out the window into the swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.”

After a really long pause this time... Daddy says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”

“No,this is 486-5713” “Sorry wrong number....!!!!”

The woman discovery

Man saw COLORS & invented PAINT.

Woman got inspired from PAINT & invented MAKE-UP.

Man coined WORDS & invented CONVERSATION.

Woman got inspired from CONVERSATION & invented GOSSIP.

Man learned AGRICULTURE & invented FOOD.

Woman got inspired from FOOD & invented DIET.

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP & invented LOVE.

Woman got inspired from LOVE & invented ... LOVE TRIANGLES!

Man discovered TRADING & invented MONEY.

Woman got MONEY & started SHOPPING.

That's it!

Thereafter, man has invented lots of things.

And WOMEN are still SHOPPING! 

2 chemistry classes

One Day Morning, A Girl Send Message to Boy Friend..

Girl: Hi.. Good Morning

Boy: Hey.... Very Good Morning.. 

Girl : What are you doing ?

Boy : killing mosquitoes

Girl : how many did you killed ?

Boy : total 5 ( 3 female 2 male )

Girl : how did you know that ?

Boy : 3 sitting near mirror ,, 2 near beer





On That Day in CHEMISTRY CLASS

Professor: Chemical symbol of Barium?

Boy: BA

Professor: For sodium?

Boy: NA

Professor: What will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atoms of NA are combined?

Boy: BANANA !!!

Professor: ????????????

Evening, On The Way to Home, He Meets An Accident With His New Ferrari. ..

Policemen Arrives....

Boy:- (Cried) Officer! My Brand New Car!

Police Replied:- You're Such materialistic. You Even Haven't Notice That Your Left Arm Has Been Cut Off.

Boy (He Looks At His Left Arm And Yells) : OMG ! My Rolex Watch..!

Cannot be Worst

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. 

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. 

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. 

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. 

But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. 

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,
Johnny

P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. 

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Fifth Grade

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3×3?” Harry: “9?

Principal: “What is 6×6?” Harry: “36?

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?” Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.” 

A good bet

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". 

The president curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. 

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered.

"But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. 

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. 

"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. 

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"