old lady:i want to buy cat's food
cashier: i need evidence cos others use it for own use n we don't allow human to eat cat's food...
so old lady went home to bring cat...
then second day she wanted to buy dog food and as usual,the cashier asked for the dog n she went home and bought the dog there...
then third day she became cleverer...she bought the item along to show the cashier for purchasing the item she wanted and then the cashier put her hands in to see n GUESSSSS
ITS SHIT!!and cashier was furious and said its a revenge but old lady said,'COS I WANTED TO BUY TOILET PAPER MAH!!"
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Marriage Counselling
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
7 Lemons
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Program crushing !
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Regards,
Desperate
***
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 & Lingerie 5.3.
Good Luck!
Regards,
Tech Support
***
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Regards,
Desperate
***
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 & Lingerie 5.3.
Good Luck!
Regards,
Tech Support
***
Friday, January 20, 2012
On Leave
Two blond guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.
Who is this guy ?
After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied.
He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man.
***He began to worry***
"This your husband?" he asked.
"No silly," she replied.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear.
"Well who is he then?"
Calmly the girl replied "That's me before the operation..."
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied.
He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man.
***He began to worry***
"This your husband?" he asked.
"No silly," she replied.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear.
"Well who is he then?"
Calmly the girl replied "That's me before the operation..."
Saturday, January 14, 2012
What will I get?
Teacher : Sam, what will you get for 5485 + 6529 / 52 ?
Sam : Teacher, I will get a wrong answer.
Sam : Teacher, I will get a wrong answer.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Before and After marriage.
Before Marriage
Boy : At last, I can hardly wait !
Girl : Do you want to leave ?
Boy : No ! Don't even think of it !
Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Of course, always !
Girl : Have you ever cheated me ?
Boy : NO ! Why are you asking ?
Girl : will you want to kiss me ?
Boy : every chance I get.
Girl : Will you hit me ???
Boy : hell no !!! are you crazy ?
Girl : can I trust you ??
Boy : YES !
Girl : Darling !
After Marriage
Please read above from the bottom up.
Boy : At last, I can hardly wait !
Girl : Do you want to leave ?
Boy : No ! Don't even think of it !
Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Of course, always !
Girl : Have you ever cheated me ?
Boy : NO ! Why are you asking ?
Girl : will you want to kiss me ?
Boy : every chance I get.
Girl : Will you hit me ???
Boy : hell no !!! are you crazy ?
Girl : can I trust you ??
Boy : YES !
Girl : Darling !
After Marriage
Please read above from the bottom up.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Going to be three
A newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, there're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
Friday, January 6, 2012
15 Years Prison
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He later ties the girl to the bed, kisses the women on her neck and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He later ties the girl to the bed, kisses the women on her neck and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Like what ?
Virginity is like balloon, 1 pop & it’s gone forever!
Sex is like Pringles, once you start you can’t stop!
The exam paper is like a dick, when it gets hard people get fucked!
Fate is like getting raped, if u can’t fight it so learn 2 enjoy it!
Work is like a group sex, 10 people are behind your ass to take your place!
Education is like hiring prostitute, it needs both your money & hard work!
Success is like masturbating, only your own hands can achieve it!
Sex is like Pringles, once you start you can’t stop!
The exam paper is like a dick, when it gets hard people get fucked!
Fate is like getting raped, if u can’t fight it so learn 2 enjoy it!
Work is like a group sex, 10 people are behind your ass to take your place!
Education is like hiring prostitute, it needs both your money & hard work!
Success is like masturbating, only your own hands can achieve it!
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