An elderly lady on a cruise ship was holding her hat tight so that it would not be blown away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam....your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Program Manager
Tech Support: "Ok Joe, let's press the control & escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Joe."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Joe."
Customer: "NO! I'm NOT going to do that!!!"
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Joe."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Joe."
Customer: "NO! I'm NOT going to do that!!!"
Thursday, December 15, 2011
PRINTER PROBLEM
A colleague got a pen stuck inside the office printer. He started to try & remove the pen. But I told him we don't have time for that now; just put a note on the printer telling people not to use it & then report it to the Help Desk. So, he grabbed a piece of paper & scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later; one of my technician comes in laughing & says he was just in the lobby and saw a piece of paper on a printer & went to investigate.
Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to be ...
Friday, December 9, 2011
Request a raise in salary
"I, Mr P.Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely Yours,
Mr P.Niss"
FROM THE RESPONSE ...
Dear Mr P.Niss,
After assessing your request & considering the arguments you have raised; the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task ... And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering & exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely Yours,
Ms V.Gina"
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely Yours,
Mr P.Niss"
FROM THE RESPONSE ...
Dear Mr P.Niss,
After assessing your request & considering the arguments you have raised; the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task ... And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering & exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely Yours,
Ms V.Gina"
Hello, how are you?
A guy was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the next cubicle saying: "Hello, how are you?"
The guy was a little stun as he's not the type who would start a conversation in the restroom but he does not know what got into him suddenly; so he answered & was somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So, what are you up to?"
Now what kind of question is that? At that point, the guy is thinking that this is all too bizarre so he says : "Uhhh ... I'm like you who is just traveling!"
At this point he's just trying to get out as fast as he can when he hears another question. "Can I come over, please?"
Okay, this question is just too weird for him but he figures he could just be polite & end the conversation. So, he answers back : "No! I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then he hears the person saying nervously ... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an EEiDIOT in the next cubicle who keeps answering all of my questions."
And the guy feeling so embarrassed quietly slips out of the cubicle & leaves the men's room as fast as he possibly could.
The guy was a little stun as he's not the type who would start a conversation in the restroom but he does not know what got into him suddenly; so he answered & was somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So, what are you up to?"
Now what kind of question is that? At that point, the guy is thinking that this is all too bizarre so he says : "Uhhh ... I'm like you who is just traveling!"
At this point he's just trying to get out as fast as he can when he hears another question. "Can I come over, please?"
Okay, this question is just too weird for him but he figures he could just be polite & end the conversation. So, he answers back : "No! I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then he hears the person saying nervously ... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an EEiDIOT in the next cubicle who keeps answering all of my questions."
And the guy feeling so embarrassed quietly slips out of the cubicle & leaves the men's room as fast as he possibly could.
Making breakfast
A woman was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her man. Suddenly, her man burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The woman stared at him.
Then she said, 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The man calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
That is the END of the man's NO MORE breakfast!!!"
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The woman stared at him.
Then she said, 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The man calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
That is the END of the man's NO MORE breakfast!!!"
Friday, December 2, 2011
You better be drunk ....
A woman & a man are involved in a car accident & it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends & live in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault & women shouldn't be allowed to drive."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine & celebrate our good fortune." And she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it & drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on & hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any???"
The woman smiles & replies, "Nope! I think I'll just wait for the police ..."
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends & live in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault & women shouldn't be allowed to drive."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine & celebrate our good fortune." And she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it & drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on & hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any???"
The woman smiles & replies, "Nope! I think I'll just wait for the police ..."
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
Thursday, December 1, 2011
He shouldn't have crawled up
An old country doctor goes way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It is so far out that there is no electricity.
When the doctor arrives, no-one is home, except for the labouring mother and her five-year-old child. The doctor instructs the child to hold a lantern up high so he can see while he helps the woman deliver the baby. The child does so, the mother pushes, and after a little while while the doctor lifts the newborn baby by the feet and spanks him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
'Hit him again,' the child says. 'He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place.'
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
When the doctor arrives, no-one is home, except for the labouring mother and her five-year-old child. The doctor instructs the child to hold a lantern up high so he can see while he helps the woman deliver the baby. The child does so, the mother pushes, and after a little while while the doctor lifts the newborn baby by the feet and spanks him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
'Hit him again,' the child says. 'He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place.'
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
I know the whole truth ......
At school, Little Johnny is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it easy to blackmail them by saying, 'I know the whole truth.'
Little Johnny decides to try it out. He goes home, and is greeted by his mother.
He says, 'I know the truth.'
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, 'Just don't tell your father.'
... Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, 'I know the whole truth.'
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, 'Please don't say a word to your mother.'
Very pleased, the boy is on the way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 'I know the whole truth.'
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, 'Then come give your daddy a great big hug.'
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
Little Johnny decides to try it out. He goes home, and is greeted by his mother.
He says, 'I know the truth.'
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, 'Just don't tell your father.'
... Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, 'I know the whole truth.'
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, 'Please don't say a word to your mother.'
Very pleased, the boy is on the way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 'I know the whole truth.'
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, 'Then come give your daddy a great big hug.'
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
50 cents
A couple are going through some tough times, so they agree that the woman will walk the streets for a night and see if she can make a bit of money. The guy drops her off on a corner in a rough area of town and drives off. The next morning he picks her up and finds her with her hair a mess, make-up smudged and obviously needing a lot of rest.
She climbs in the car and excitedly says, 'Look honey, I made $40.50.'
'Which of the buggers gave you fifty cents?' he asks.
'All of them!' she says.
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
She climbs in the car and excitedly says, 'Look honey, I made $40.50.'
'Which of the buggers gave you fifty cents?' he asks.
'All of them!' she says.
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
Let's dream
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, 'I just dreamed of you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?'
You'll find out tonight,' he said.
'That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. It was a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
You'll find out tonight,' he said.
'That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. It was a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
Collected by : http://www.fashion305.com/
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