It eats .....

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."
...
The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word,

Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well, says little Johnny, my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow" !!

The doorbell rang .......

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grizzled old biker type sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old biker smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old biker leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I???

I am no more lonely now .....

There is this husband who wrote to his wife : My dear, my boss had not paid my salary for a couple of months. can I sent you 100 kisses instead?

The wife wrote back : Dear, of course and I have received your kisses. I have used it wisely.  I gave given 30 kisses to the school's principal and now our child's school fee is settled. I have sent 30 kisses to the energy man and now we have electricity.  Another 30 kisses to the caterer and now I have food at the doorstep everyday.  I give a kiss to the rubbish collector everynight and I am no more lonely everynight. Thank you so much, dear !

A stalk of hair will do .......

Devoter ："Oh, Almighty Lord, please tell me, what's is a million years to you? "

Lord ："My son, it's just an eye's blink."　

Devoter ："What about a million dollars?"

Lord ："It's just a stalk of hair to me."　

Devoter ："Great，my kind Lord，I just want to ask from you a stalk of hair !"　

Lord ："No problem, let me finish blinking my eyes first"

I broke my records !

Boy : Mom, I have got the report cards for this term !
Mom : Great and I see you in good spirit ! I am sure you have got some good news for me !
Boy : Oh yes, I broke my record this term !
Mom : wow, that'a good news !
Boy : This time, i do not have anymore Cs and Ds as like previous terms.
Mom : Really ? Please don't keep me in suspense ! I can't wait anymore to see it !
Boy : Alright, I have got all F this time !

My Mother

Father : Boy , when you grow up, who do you want to marry ?

Boy : Dad, I will marry my mother ....

Father, huh? how can that be? How can you marry your mother ?

Boy : Why not ? If you can marry my mother, why can't I marry my mother ?

How old is your father?

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: Same as me la.

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He only became a father when I born lo !!!

All friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

Looking for problems ....

What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!

A maths problem ......

Men have faults too

Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
... everything they do.

Make up your mind.

A man is seated in a bus, and a sexy lady next to him starts breast feeding her baby.

The baby isn't sucking, so she says "Drink some milk or I'll give it to this nice man".
...

Several minutes later, the baby still wouldn't feed, so she says again, "Drink some milk, or I'll give it to this nice man".

Suddenly the man turns to her and says "Look, listen woman!! Make up your mind. I should have get off 4 bus stops ago!"